Shipwrecked

 I spent the boys’ naptime reading up on information about portal vein thrombosis.  I wanted to better understand the effects my clots are having on my body.  More specifically, I wondered if it was normal that my abdomen is so round (like a small childs stomach), I have pain, and nausea. So, I searched “portal vein thrombosis” on the internet.  To this point my hematologist has assured me that my body will reabsorb the clots.  But, a dinner guest (Who specializes in imaging blood clots!) told me he believes they will always be there.  I know that God said He will heal them but sometimes I become discouraged.  Maybe they won’t ever reabsorb… It’s been three months with no change.

I looked to the world for affirmation.

A friend once told me to NEVER google information about illnesses.  Well, she was right. You never should.  But there I was, wasting the valuable time I had with the boys sleeping, reading quickly through on-line medical journals.  Reading words I didn’t know trying to piece together what happened to me.  I read things that said cancer is a leading cause of portal vein thrombosis. Cancer!?! Then I refuted the fear with worldly truth. Thinking, “No, they tested me for everything. I don’t have liver cancer.  I don’t have genetic predisposition to clots, I don’t have problems with the clotting factors in my blood.”  And for a little bit I felt okay.  Well, kind of okay.  But it was okay in a thrown off a boat, beaten violently by the waves of the sea and washing up on shore with a sunburn kind of way.

I wound up feeling shipwrecked!

hankheadinhands

Hank January 2013

 I wanted to cry.  Now I was ready to go to God for His peace.  I tried to handle it myself.  To think my way out of it.  But, it NEVER works.

Then I tried being really noisy so I couldn’t hear my thoughts.  I’m not kidding.  I turned on the radio and started vacuuming. Turns out that didn’t work either.

I wasn’t just fighting the onslaught of internet information.  I was fighting the accuser telling me, “Maybe your dinner guest is right.  You’ll always be sick.  You’ll always have nausea and swelling and pain.”  I couldn’t seem to be loud enough to drown it out.

God took care of it, and I never even heard a thing!

Sweet, peaceful, silence… stillness in my heart.

Exodus 14:14, “The Lord will fight for you, and you have only to be silent.”

Dear Jesus,

Thank you for fighting for me even when I unknowingly turn my eyes and heart toward the enemy and his lies.  You are my rock. Help me to remember you sent a messenger to tell me you’ll heal me.  Even if it’s not in this lifetime your scripture assures me eternally I will be healed. Amen.

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