I spent the boys’ naptime reading up on information about portal vein thrombosis. I wanted to better understand the effects my clots are having on my body. More specifically, I wondered if it was normal that my abdomen is so round (like a small childs stomach), I have pain, and nausea. So, I searched “portal vein thrombosis” on the internet. To this point my hematologist has assured me that my body will reabsorb the clots. But, a dinner guest (Who specializes in imaging blood clots!) told me he believes they will always be there. I know that God said He will heal them but sometimes I become discouraged. Maybe they won’t ever reabsorb… It’s been three months with no change.
I looked to the world for affirmation.
A friend once told me to NEVER google information about illnesses. Well, she was right. You never should. But there I was, wasting the valuable time I had with the boys sleeping, reading quickly through on-line medical journals. Reading words I didn’t know trying to piece together what happened to me. I read things that said cancer is a leading cause of portal vein thrombosis. Cancer!?! Then I refuted the fear with worldly truth. Thinking, “No, they tested me for everything. I don’t have liver cancer. I don’t have genetic predisposition to clots, I don’t have problems with the clotting factors in my blood.” And for a little bit I felt okay. Well, kind of okay. But it was okay in a thrown off a boat, beaten violently by the waves of the sea and washing up on shore with a sunburn kind of way.
I wound up feeling shipwrecked!
I wanted to cry. Now I was ready to go to God for His peace. I tried to handle it myself. To think my way out of it. But, it NEVER works.
Then I tried being really noisy so I couldn’t hear my thoughts. I’m not kidding. I turned on the radio and started vacuuming. Turns out that didn’t work either.
I wasn’t just fighting the onslaught of internet information. I was fighting the accuser telling me, “Maybe your dinner guest is right. You’ll always be sick. You’ll always have nausea and swelling and pain.” I couldn’t seem to be loud enough to drown it out.
God took care of it, and I never even heard a thing!
Sweet, peaceful, silence… stillness in my heart.
Exodus 14:14, “The Lord will fight for you, and you have only to be silent.”
Thank you for fighting for me even when I unknowingly turn my eyes and heart toward the enemy and his lies. You are my rock. Help me to remember you sent a messenger to tell me you’ll heal me. Even if it’s not in this lifetime your scripture assures me eternally I will be healed. Amen.