Last summer and fall when I was in and out of the hospital I spent a lot of time just me and God.
It was like church every day all day!
Not the jump around, holy roller, prosperity ministry type church but more like laying limp and tattered at Jesus’ feet.
I was really aware of the closeness of the Lord and it felt wonderful.
I was on a mountain top. I would do my daily walks down the hospital hallway (when I was able) and stop to rest at the end of the hall in a cool foyer overlooking Seattle. I would sit and sing aloud, songs to Jesus. The acoustics were awesome and I was usually by myself.
The sicker I became the more I prayed for God to bring me to Him face-to-face. Feeling Him close was so absolutely amazing, I longed for Heaven in a new way. Feeling His love was completely overpowering. Nothing else seemed important anymore.
Well, as you probably know, God didn’t bring me home to Him. I am writing this now, in my flesh. Darn it!
Please forgive me if this doesn’t make a lot of sense but sometimes I remember that time with God and I feel disappointed that it had to end. I don’t mean I want to be morbidly ill again.
I REALLY REALLY DON’T!
I just want to only see the face of God for all eternity. I realize I will and that makes the longing stronger. Going home from the hospital the last time I remember feeling this strange struggle inside me. I knew I should be glad to be alive. I knew others’ were praising God. But, part of me was disappointed. Not that God let me down but sorta.
Going back to life meant that the flood of distractions would come and so would dealing with the emotions that come from trauma. My emotions. My families emotions. My friends’ emotions.
What happened to me physically was scary and God worked miracles.
Who was I to be disappointed?
I just was. I guess that goes with feeling so close then being told,
No, not yet.
Dear Lord, thank you for letting me feel your presence. You knew that I needed you so much. That I needed to feel your love and warmth to be able to endure. Lord, I miss you. I know you are here with me now, but, I just look forward to when we spend forever gazing upon your face. Please help me to see You in all creation. Please use me for your great purpose. I love you. Amen.